you better than this

what texture did the skin take on before it gave up and swallowed you?

did you ever for a second think that you could be safe when

your fingers never stop twitching

every time you examine your neck in the mirror

there was a time before your hands

were reasons to hold on tight to anything

that could breathe

don’t tell me they’ve always been this hungry

you must have known a night

before you had to bury them beneath pillows

to keep them from biting at your ribcage

fenced in by notions you put in your own head

they weren’t always this restless

there are ways to think about dying

without burning it into your skin

and there are nights that crackle like pyres

when you slip and let the embers sink in

and you think what is a body

but a vessel for sacrifice

but living on sharpened stakes

never felt so good

stop convincing yourself

it feels good

this depression is overgrown

you’ve never weeded the garden

didn’t water the flowers

and then turned away from your withering

too ashamed to call it your own

don’t you wonder when this self-hate

became the only trait that stayed hidden and safe

take those itching fingers to the shovel

and dig fresh beds to lay in

stop lying in the excuses

and uproot this grave

how does one climb out of a life

when every day is the same

when did you get so forfeiting

that you stopped attempting

to pull your body out of this?

i know it’s hard

to convince yourself this man is not

the sum of her parts

don’t believe the woman who spits at you

when you don’t agree to be the object of his rage is sane

she will stay the same

but it’s up to you to stop

believing her right

and seeing yourself through her eyes

you are not a statistic

or a receptacle for pain

stop blaming your ribs

for holding on so tightly to your heart

for all the ways that you hate them

your organs are still smarter than you are

because they hold on

like deadbolts and locks

when you manifest the world’s sickness in your brain

stop blaming yourself and take the reigns

get a grip that isn’t cataclysmic

learn to live instead of picking at scabs

just to feel a pulse

you have gotten in too deep and you are above this